Well some of you know that I used to write blogs before... The actual idea of the other blogs were to keep you updated through some rough times when I needed to isolate myself.
Anyway I feel the need now to just write down what I feel and think... Some stuff might be offending to some or scary to others or WHATEVER but I'm not perfect... I'm struggling myself each and every day to keep a certain amount of sanity to basically at least seem to fit into this society which I find being so unfair, terrifying and disgusting. Our daily lives are filled with selfish people trying to get the best for themselves.
Anyway I feel the need now to just write down what I feel and think... Some stuff might be offending to some or scary to others or WHATEVER but I'm not perfect... I'm struggling myself each and every day to keep a certain amount of sanity to basically at least seem to fit into this society which I find being so unfair, terrifying and disgusting. Our daily lives are filled with selfish people trying to get the best for themselves.
Since I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia I'm on a ton of meds. The latest medication I got from my new pain therapist finally seems to work and improves my daily life!
At the moment I still take 6 different medications a day and all together 10 pills. I'm just 27 and I shouldn't have to take all that crap!
At the moment I still take 6 different medications a day and all together 10 pills. I'm just 27 and I shouldn't have to take all that crap!
At least I can participate on activities again.
One of the most frustrating experiences in the past few months was, when I was visiting my fiancé and we went to the Zoo.
I loved the zoo and I loved being together with Dad and Chris but it took so much out of me, that I apparently was more exhausted and maybe even in more pain than Dad with his horrible disease. I had troubles to get back to the car and I so tried not to show it and not to show my weakness... Chris of course knew that I was feeling crappy but I guess up until today he doesn't know how bad I really was.
When we came back home I needed to take an extra Lyrica and napped for a while. For dippedy sake I'm 27 years old and not 85!
One of the most frustrating experiences in the past few months was, when I was visiting my fiancé and we went to the Zoo.
I loved the zoo and I loved being together with Dad and Chris but it took so much out of me, that I apparently was more exhausted and maybe even in more pain than Dad with his horrible disease. I had troubles to get back to the car and I so tried not to show it and not to show my weakness... Chris of course knew that I was feeling crappy but I guess up until today he doesn't know how bad I really was.
When we came back home I needed to take an extra Lyrica and napped for a while. For dippedy sake I'm 27 years old and not 85!
Chris and I are planning to get married on August the 5th in Cleveland Ohio... But due to a lot of circumstances I don't have any hope, that this will happen.
At the moment my only wishes are: Getting my stuff back from England, Marry Chris no matter what, moving to the USA to be together with the love of my life!
Well the getting my stuff back from England might happen soon... More about that in my next post probably.
Marrying Chris is much more of a problem... 8/5 won't happen and if everything keeps getting wrong, I have my doubts that I'm going to see Chris this year again anyway... Right now I'd be satisfied getting married in jeans and sweater without any ceremony just Chris, Dad and I and maybe getting a proper ceremony in a few years when we live a more stable life...
I'd be sad if none of my dreams would come true regarding the wedding but I could deal and I already have accepted that...
Getting the Visa to move to the USA is another thing worrying me a lot...
Enough of that...
Today is Chris and my first anniversary. Today a year ago he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend!
A lot of things happened this past year. Some good and some bad.
Having Chris and dad in my life certainly was the best ever happened to me!
Risking that some of you are going to upset us with inappropriate comments or even worse but Mothers-day is coming up and I'm probably going to struggle around that time...
Well Chris and I would be parents now. Our girl would be 4 months old now... Normally I can deal with it but sometimes certain things do remind me of that loss and make it hard to deal. Some of you reading that won't understand my emotions... Some of you will say" it was just a miscarriage carry on" And some of you might think it's wrong to keep thinking about it... I don't care... It's my life, my emotions and my loss! Chris and my loss!!!
My mom dared to say that it even wasn't a miscarriage because it was fairly early... Why do I maybe struggle more than so many other women? Well there are a few reasons for that. First of all I always dreamed of having kids. Having lost that baby broke my heart not because she was planned - No way we both would have planned becoming parents in our situation! - it broke my heart because I was pregnant and there was a chance becoming a mom and it felt like it will never happen. Never will I become a mom and that life we created didn't even get the chance to live... Well I felt her and knew she was there... For Chris and me our little girl will always be our first!
I asked some friends if I'm allowed to see myself as a mom... All of them said it was okay. Some of them even said of course I'm a mom.
It's hard for me to think of me as a mom and not to think of me as a mom.
I do feel like one but at the same time I was never able to hold her, to be a mom to her. What's the definition of a mom?
A lot of things going on in my mind, most of them I ranted about in this post.
At the moment my only wishes are: Getting my stuff back from England, Marry Chris no matter what, moving to the USA to be together with the love of my life!
Well the getting my stuff back from England might happen soon... More about that in my next post probably.
Marrying Chris is much more of a problem... 8/5 won't happen and if everything keeps getting wrong, I have my doubts that I'm going to see Chris this year again anyway... Right now I'd be satisfied getting married in jeans and sweater without any ceremony just Chris, Dad and I and maybe getting a proper ceremony in a few years when we live a more stable life...
I'd be sad if none of my dreams would come true regarding the wedding but I could deal and I already have accepted that...
Getting the Visa to move to the USA is another thing worrying me a lot...
Enough of that...
Today is Chris and my first anniversary. Today a year ago he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend!
A lot of things happened this past year. Some good and some bad.
Having Chris and dad in my life certainly was the best ever happened to me!
Risking that some of you are going to upset us with inappropriate comments or even worse but Mothers-day is coming up and I'm probably going to struggle around that time...
Well Chris and I would be parents now. Our girl would be 4 months old now... Normally I can deal with it but sometimes certain things do remind me of that loss and make it hard to deal. Some of you reading that won't understand my emotions... Some of you will say" it was just a miscarriage carry on" And some of you might think it's wrong to keep thinking about it... I don't care... It's my life, my emotions and my loss! Chris and my loss!!!
My mom dared to say that it even wasn't a miscarriage because it was fairly early... Why do I maybe struggle more than so many other women? Well there are a few reasons for that. First of all I always dreamed of having kids. Having lost that baby broke my heart not because she was planned - No way we both would have planned becoming parents in our situation! - it broke my heart because I was pregnant and there was a chance becoming a mom and it felt like it will never happen. Never will I become a mom and that life we created didn't even get the chance to live... Well I felt her and knew she was there... For Chris and me our little girl will always be our first!
I asked some friends if I'm allowed to see myself as a mom... All of them said it was okay. Some of them even said of course I'm a mom.
It's hard for me to think of me as a mom and not to think of me as a mom.
I do feel like one but at the same time I was never able to hold her, to be a mom to her. What's the definition of a mom?
A lot of things going on in my mind, most of them I ranted about in this post.
Sweetie, it's been a wonderful year. Yes, there has been some hardship, but Anna lives on in our hearts. And I didn't know you were in that much pain at the zoo. I'm sorry. I guess it's a good thing we ended it when we did. We'll get married somehow. I don't know how but we will. I love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you HaseBear!!! I love you too!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe will get married! I can't wait to become your wife!!!
Well I really tried hard not to show how much I was struggling at the Zoo because I didn't want to spoil it. I know we had a discussion about that before... I will try to show you the next time!
HCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess I had no idea you had a miscarriage, Coco. So sorry to hear that. Cindy and I lost what would have been our first child. We were very young, living in a small apt., just making it. Later we had two healthy, wonderful kids. I continue to pray that things will eventually work out for you and Chris.
ReplyDeleteThank you Brad! I didn't share that with a lot of people because I was scared of the reactions. Now after nearly a year I guess I can talk about it more open then back when it happened!
ReplyDeleteI really do hope that Chris and I will be in the situation to have kids in the future!
Thank you again so very much!
I keep you and your family in my thoughts and hope your grandchild will arrive soon healthy and happy!!! *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS*
Wow, I had no idea what was going on in your life... I cannot say i can imagine how hard it must have been for you because I have never been in such a situation. But being a very sensitive person I can understand that it must have broken your heart to lose your little girl.
ReplyDeleteI can understand that for you she'll always be your first child and she should be. Don't worry about what others say, just grief like you think is right for you and just be who you are.
I really hope you can manage the marriage soon. I wish for the both of you to be happy. Everybody deserves happiness but I know you have to struggle a lot and I know how hard struggling can be so I wish for you to finally be able to live your happiness. :)
*hugs*
Moni
Thank you Moni!
ReplyDeleteAs I said in an earlier comment, I didn't share it with a lot of people mostly because I was scared of the reactions... I was scared, people would judge me and/or Chris. I was also scared some people might make comments upsetting me more than helping me... The right way to grief was to give her a name. Everyone does grief in a different way and in a different intensity.
Thank you so much for your sweet, caring words!!! I still don't know how to do it but I know that Chris and I will get married somehow!!!!
*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS*
Coco: Anyone who tells you that you and Chris aren't parents is wrong... You have so much love in your heart for little Anna. You are a great Mom, and grief is a process. Everyone deals with grief differently, there's no "right way" or "wrong way" to grieve.
ReplyDeleteI wish all the best to you and Chris, and understand about the pain of Fibromyalgia. Just know that this Californian is so blessed to have you and Chris as dear friends. I hope and pray that you will be together again soon.
Love and Hugs, Mary (aka M/W/J)
Thank you so much Mary! Your words really do mean the world to me!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm glad to have you as a very dear friend too!!!
We both do suffer from Fibromyalgia and both know how much it takes out of a person! I really do hope you'll find the right treatment soon that your life quality will improve!!! Love and *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS* back!!! <3
Thank you to everyone for being so supportive of my tiny Coco. It means a lot to me. She doesn't ask for support most of the time, but as you can see from this post, she definitely needs it, as we all do. And thanks for the well-wishes for our wedding! We can't wait!
ReplyDelete