Well about Anna our little girl. It helped us tremendously to give her a name! We talked a lot about her and bit by bit I felt better. I think I wouldn't have struggled so much if I wouldn't have known she was there, if I wouldn't have felt that I was pregnant.
When I flew back from Chicago I felt different and I told myself that I couldn't be pregnant. We weren't naive. Both of us are grownups and know pretty well about the consequences of being in a grownup relationship.
I knew that I was pregnant but of course there was no way to prove it just then.
I tried to ignore the feeling and I tried to deny... It worked for quite a while... Well more or less...
I listened to stupid advises from my Mom who told me not to tell Chris. At some point I talked to him anyway about the possibility that I could be pregnant and we went through a scary time. At some point I started bleeding and I felt that I lost her...
I talked to my mom again and she said I shouldn't tell Chris about that either. Well the test I made the next day still showed a slight positive result. But I couldn't tell Chris that at that point because I was confused and depressed and listened to the bad advises my Mom gave me.
I tried to ignore the feeling and I tried to deny... It worked for quite a while... Well more or less...
I listened to stupid advises from my Mom who told me not to tell Chris. At some point I talked to him anyway about the possibility that I could be pregnant and we went through a scary time. At some point I started bleeding and I felt that I lost her...
I talked to my mom again and she said I shouldn't tell Chris about that either. Well the test I made the next day still showed a slight positive result. But I couldn't tell Chris that at that point because I was confused and depressed and listened to the bad advises my Mom gave me.
I knew that I miscarried but I couldn't share it with Chris because of the bad advises.
A few days later I dropped a hint and he wouldn't stop asking the right questions so I told him. I thought he would be really angry with me but instead he was angry with my mom which I can more than understand because I was angry too...
A few days later I dropped a hint and he wouldn't stop asking the right questions so I told him. I thought he would be really angry with me but instead he was angry with my mom which I can more than understand because I was angry too...
He still stayed at my side even though I messed up.
I felt really guilty because I thought that I killed Anna... I mean I started taking the Lyrica even though I "knew" I was pregnant... Well I didn't know for sure and denied it anyway but still I think I killed Anna with that... Chris keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and that if I would have known for sure that I was pregnant I would have never started to take them... Well yeah that's true but still I should have waited with them... *sigh*
I miss our little girl. It was a very intense, wonderful feeling she gave me when she was still there! I regret that I denied her for so long and couldn't really enjoy the time with her the way she would have deserved.
I'm not sure if we will ever have kids. Chris needs to be ready for it and we'll see if we can actually manage that in the future, meaning living a stable life together and being ready for being parents... I so hope that one day I will be a mom that's one of my biggest wishes...! I could live with not becoming a mom too but I'd be sad...
I felt really guilty because I thought that I killed Anna... I mean I started taking the Lyrica even though I "knew" I was pregnant... Well I didn't know for sure and denied it anyway but still I think I killed Anna with that... Chris keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault and that if I would have known for sure that I was pregnant I would have never started to take them... Well yeah that's true but still I should have waited with them... *sigh*
I miss our little girl. It was a very intense, wonderful feeling she gave me when she was still there! I regret that I denied her for so long and couldn't really enjoy the time with her the way she would have deserved.
I'm not sure if we will ever have kids. Chris needs to be ready for it and we'll see if we can actually manage that in the future, meaning living a stable life together and being ready for being parents... I so hope that one day I will be a mom that's one of my biggest wishes...! I could live with not becoming a mom too but I'd be sad...
Sweetie, I will support you no matter what. And you have helped me deal with it too. It's very painful and I can't even imagine what it's like for you. But we got through it and we'll continue to deal with it in the future and I really really hope someday we'll be able to try for real. I will do my best to overcome my fears. I'm not promising anything, but I will try. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI love you too Hase! And I would never ever push you to a decision! That's a subject where both of us have to be ready for taking the responsibility to bring up a child.
ReplyDeleteIt is very painful and I wish we would have never had to go through it but on the other hand we have our Anna and I'm grateful for that! I mean we can't hold her, can't see her growing up can't teach her how to be a independent young woman but we have her in our hearts and that's a big blessing!
Thank you for always being on my side!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING/ANYONE ELSE!!!!!! <3