Paranoia

Well I guess most of you, who may read this have experienced paranoia in one or another way...
I've always been somewhat paranoid not in an extreme way. It started getting worse - way worse - in England.
When the whole situation with my so-called friend who also is the mother of the boy I took care of as a Nanny started to really get bad.
Because I tried to make her taking more responsibility for her son, she turned nasty and called her new boyfriend Shane, who now is her husband. I overheard her raving on the phone to him and saying that she wanted to throw me out... And all that just because I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea to stay away for days and days just to come home for a few hours sometimes she would stay a night and all that without taking her son with her... She was more away, than she was home and that took it's toll on the boy and on me too...
Well I got paranoid... After the "peace" was back I was constantly scared of just saying or doing anything. I was scared that they did hide microphones and cameras just to find something to kick me out. I didn't feel safe anywhere in Ipswich at all anymore. Even in my neighbors (and back then one of my absolute best friend) house I felt traced. I felt like someone was always following me, wherever I drove to with my car. I feared everything I say on the phone would be recorded, everything I wrote and "googled" on my laptop would be recorded in some way too.
It was a very horrible time and it never really went away after that. When I finally left the house I had many reasons to be scared because I got threatened...
I was scared that she would find me and do hurt me in whatever way. I was scared of him even more... He has a massively bad temper and scared the *** out of me...
But even when I last saw her after a few months and she apologized to me, she still made me feel horribly awkward and every time I saw a post by her on Facebook or heard of her anywhere else it made my heart race... I would have never talked to her again if it wasn't for the boy I still love like I would love my own son. It's breaking my heart that I can't see him growing up, that I can't be part of his life anymore... *sigh*
Anyway, I decided to delete and block that person finally after she once again did something pretty obnoxious... But I still feel paranoid most of the time...Not because of her really... There are a lot of things giving me that feeling...
1. I'm scared all the time leaving my apartment and something in my head wants to convince me that I am watched by whoever...
2. At work I constantly feel watched even when I'm alone with my people on the ward and my coworker is having a break.
3.In my apartment: someone could have been in there while I wasn't home and been hiding cameras or microphones.

My Roller-shutters are nearly completely closed all day in my living-bedroom... I'm scared of being watched. I'm not going out on the balcony very often because I don't want to be seen...
In Columbia it was different most of the time...
A few times I was outside on my own and inside I felt comfortable most of the time too...
I felt watched in Memphis though and I was positive that the airlines and airports have started a conspiracy against me because everything went wrong. Oh and I do have a hell of a lot of failures...
I am a pretty aggressive little person... I would and could never hurt anyone on purpose or in any physical way. My aggression turns against things or myself... It's nothing I'm proud of. I can be pretty aggressive verbally too and I hate myself for it but it's who I am and it's how I am...
Last week after I had to work with one of my two least favorite coworkers together. She is a pain in the *** And I absolutely hate working with her!Well to come to the point, working two days in a row with her made me being absolutely aggressive. I got moody and really hard to deal with. Poor Chris had to deal with all that and he did a pretty good job.
One of those days where I was doing really bad I played some play-station game and out of anger and frustration I threw my controller away... Thankfully it just hit the sofa and that minimized the damage... It's not broken but it makes a funny sound now when I shake it... Anyway I haven't done something like this for ages... And for as long as I have my PS2 I never did throw that controller in any way...
Well in your eyes that all may be pretty harmless but the thoughts and feelings I have to deal with going through something like that are nothing I wish anyone - okay I have to admit there are people I wish the plague but as this is not possible I can try to sleep better because just through thoughts no harm gets done...
I try hard to be a good, caring, nice, kind, selfless person and not being a self-centered, selfish,  thoughtless bitch, but unfortunately I am a failure regarding that too often.
There ARE reasons why it is justified that I do hate myself maybe now you do understand me a little more...
When I was in England trapped in that house and seeing the poor boy suffering I was sitting in the garden hidden by the plants, crying and wishing that dumb cow dead and not only her I wished her disgusting new BF dead too... I know it's a horrible, disgusting thing to do but you weren't with me back then, you can't imagine what really was going on. How that poor boy suffered and how I tried with all my might to hold it all together for him and for the pets and in the beginning even for the dumb cow...
The selfish thought behind it was that she made a Last Will... Well it wouldn't have been standing a chance at any court because no witnesses signed any of the copies but my hopes were there... She wanted me having custody of the boy and me taking care of the animals in the house too... To this day still I love this boy with all my heart even though I'm not in proper contact with him anymore and since I deleted and blocked his mom a month ago from FB and from every other possible thing online I don't think my name would be heard in a nice way in that house at all... I try to stay in contact with him he's like a son for me and I wish I could have him here. Well you may think that it's not that selfish given the fact that the dumb cow neglected her son badly and that I had to replace her as a mom to give the poor boy more stability but I won't accept that part... It was badly selfish and what the heck could I have possibly given the boy for a future? I'm useless and I will struggle all my life to be able to pay the bills just because I AM a failure... It's not only because I'm sick it's also because I missed a lot of chances... I should have never trained in the job I am trained in... I hate that job - at least here in GER. I missed so many chances to have a good life. Instead of becoming a media-designer I went to England. I was signed off sick for a long time due to a lot of struggles I do not want to explain in this post but the health insurance and the government wanted me to do a rehabilitation training which means learning a completely new job under a good umbrella of support. Well after I waited for them for like half a year to begin with all that I went to live in England a couple of weeks before the first part of the whole program was supposed to start. So I missed my chance and went to England where the first few months were great and then everything turned slowly bad...
Well I'm sure there are other things I'm not proud of and I'm sure it's not only my paranoia and me being an selfish, self-centered aggressive failure but I can't think of other things right now...
As a matter of fact this post took me a long time to write and I moved from the actual topic I wanted to post about to something absolutely different but well it's my post isn't it?
My self-centered part hopes that no one thinks differently or bad of me now.
My self-hatred part hopes that people finally got to realize that I'm the scum of the earth.
My loving part just wants to say: I love you!
My paranoid part is scared that the dumb cow might find this and is coming after me.
My aggressive part wants to smash this laptop to pieces because of all the mistakes this post does have.
Well all in all a normal morning for me to start with: Good morning split-personality-coco hope you have a good day all of who harbor you!