Mothersday

I'm more relaxed than I've been the past two years... I don't feel so tensed up anymore. I love having my precious things around me. I still can't believe that I really got my belongings back!
Apart from that I know Mothersday is coming up... I want to feel wholeheartedly happy because getting my belongings back means one step closer of me and Chris getting married! Well As I explained in one of previous posts, some little things bring up sad feelings regarding Anna... One of those is Mothersday... I'd be a proper mom now and our precious Anna would be 5 months old now... It breaks my heart that we won't be able to see her growing up, that we will never be able to hold her, to teach her, to be a proper mom and dad for her...
It's making me sad! And I can't get over the feeling that I probably have killed with my stupid meds! I wish I wouldn't have denied her existence for so long. I wish I'd have waited with starting my meds... My own fault... I killed our baby... I think if it wasn't for that I probably would have an easier time to deal with that loss... I know Chris will say, that it's not my fault... he told me so many many times... But at occasions like that the guilt just get's hardly bearable... I will get over it again... It's not the first time those feeling overwhelm me! I will deal! I just needed to get it off my chest once again...
As I said, most of me is happy but as Mothersday is coming up a shadow is lying down on my happiness it'll pass and I'll be fine!